Journey to the Centre of the Megabus
Went to visit a friend in Edinburgh on the Megabus – he doesn’t live on the Megabus, I just travelled to Edinburgh on it. The bus journey was bumpy as hell – either the suspension was shot, or the driver took a shortcut through a tattie field – either way I now know how Michael J Fox feels. The temperature onboard fluctuated violently between Arctic blast and the surface of Venus, causing a strange humidity in the air during the thaw phase of the coach’s unique atmospheric system. As the air warmed up the cabin was filled with an overpowering stench of foosty pish. By the time I got to my mate’s house in the capital I smelled like an incontinent pensioner’s scrotum, and I was dying of thirst.
His wee boy answered the door, told me his dad was still in the shower, I was to wait in the living room then vanished like the shop-keeper in Mr Ben (Google it if you’re too young!)
The boy popped his head around the door about five minutes later and said his mum wanted to know if I wanted a cup of tea or something. I thought I’d chance it and asked if he could bring me something wet and alcoholic. The boy said,
‘Okay – I’ll just go and see if my dad’s out the shower.’