Author Archives: Desky

Ode to a Gypsy Cream

Oh Gypsy Cream,
My Sweet brown Heaven
The biscuit of my desire
Your very name trips off my tongue
And sets my loins on fire
Oh Gypsy Cream
My dark delight
All night with you I’ll ramble
Two sweet brown orbs
Divided by cream
Like that dream I had about Naomi Campbell

Plato’s Symposium

Plato’s Symposium

In his Symposium Plato describes a time when humans were perfect unified hermaphroditic beings -half male & half female. But somewhere along the lines they broke the rules, and as a punishment whatever god or gods were in charge of the show at that time, split everyone in into male and female halves and cast them to the four corners of the Earth (as the earth was flat back then and a perfect square). Since this time our souls have been wandering the planet searching for their ‘other half’.

Modern life has forced me to accept that the object of ones affections may not be another man or woman per se; it could be an animal or tree, for example. But where Plato’s logic is scuppered by contemporary sexuality, is when we enter the realm of ‘Objectophilia‘. I recently watched a documentary about this: there was a woman who was in love with a building – she wasn’t simply in awe of the scale, craftsmanship or the design of the building – she actually had sexual desires that could only be satisfied by being intimate with the exterior of this particular magnificent architectural erection. There was even a man on there who got married to a toaster! I was totally shocked – and I suspect he was too – several times. Now I am pretty sure that buildings were around during the time Plato envisaged in his Symposium, but I am 100% positive that electrical kitchen appliances were not.

James Brown?

James Brown?

Apparently, James Brown was a ‘sole man’. Strange sexual preference, but whatever inflates your balloon I suppose… I’m more of a leg man myself; I do like them to be attached to a body, that’s kind of important for me. If just a pair of legs turned up for a date that would be a total deal-breaker I’m afraid.

Funny how no one every says ‘I’m a fanny man.’ Plenty of ball boys around these days though. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that at all. I recently broke the news to my mum that I wasn’t gay, she was absolutely devastated. She kept asking me why I couldn’t be a normal proud gay man like my brother.  I told her that my brother was happily married to a woman and they have two children! Mum replied that it was just a phase he was going through and he would soon grow out of it.

I eventually cracked and told her that I was just experimenting, but if it turned out that I was really straight then she would have to accept me for who I really am as I am not prepared to live a lie!  

The Wayne Rooney Diaries 

The Wayne Rooney Diaries 

In a tell all interview about his turbulent time and ultimately his sacking at Everton, Sam ‘Big Face’ Allardyce revealed that subsequent to an in-depth half-time tactical analysis and a detailed player by player game plan discussion, he threw the floor open to the team for questions. Sam ‘The Bam’ reports that potato-faced striker Wayne Rooney had then asked the manager if he could tell him ‘…where babies came from? ’

Journey to the Centre of the Megabus

Journey to the Centre of the Megabus

Went to visit a friend in Edinburgh on the Megabus – he doesn’t live on the Megabus, I just travelled to Edinburgh on it.  The bus journey was bumpy as hell – either the suspension was shot, or the driver took a shortcut through a tattie field – either way I now know how Michael J Fox feels.  The temperature onboard fluctuated violently between Arctic blast and the surface of Venus, causing a strange humidity in the air during the thaw phase of the coach’s unique atmospheric system. As the air warmed up the cabin was filled with an overpowering stench of foosty pish. By the time I got to my mate’s house in the capital I smelled like an incontinent pensioner’s scrotum, and I was dying of thirst.

His wee boy answered the door, told me his dad was still in the shower, I was to wait in the living room then vanished like the shop-keeper in Mr Ben (Google it if you’re too young!)

The boy popped his head around the door about five minutes later and said his mum wanted to know if I wanted a cup of tea or something. I thought I’d chance it and asked if he could bring me something wet and alcoholic. The boy said,

‘Okay – I’ll just go and see if my dad’s out the shower.’

The Difference Between Boys & Girls

The Difference Between Boys & Girls

Was watching TV with the family and a baby penguin was waiting on the ice for its’ parents who are filmed swimming frantically towards the shore, pursued by Leopard Seals and Killer Whales; and when they break the surface of the icy Antarctic waters they are being swooped upon by hungry birds of prey. Every second these two penguins seem to be facing certain death! My (at the time) nine-year-old daughter burst into tears and buried her face in my chest, unable to watch any longer the seemingly hopeless scenes.  Meanwhile my seven-year-old twin boys were busy viciously demonstrating on each other the various ways they think the two penguins might be ripped apart!

Breast Milk

Breast Milk

You can buy human breast milk online – the sale is completely unregulated. It is apparently very popular in the bodybuilding world and also with baby fetishists.*

A woman in Cornwall who cannot stop lactating has started marketing her own breast milk cheese and is doing a roaring trade by all accounts!

Anyone for ‘Menstrual Black Pudding?’

*Paraphilic infantilism, also known as autonepiophilia, psychosexual infantilism, and adult baby syndrome is a sexual fetish that involves role-playing a regression to an infant-like state. Behaviours may include drinking from a bottle or wearing diapers. Individuals may engage in gentle and nurturing experiences or be attracted to masochistic, coercive, punishing or humiliating experiences.